After further investigation, Aunt Jemima has been arrested and jailed following allegations that her breakfast syrup contains child's blood. Police raided her wooden shack in the Southeastern United States and discovered a secret network of under ground bunkers, dug by the child slaves Jemima fattens for the slaughter and lined with their bones. Officer Paul Braxton was present at the scene.
"It was awful", he said. "Everywhere you looked there were dirty children in cages, moaning in agony. Occasionally syrup would be drizzled over the cages to feed them. Feeding children with their own blood..." Braxton then vomited in a nearby trashcan.
Jemima, or "Auntie", as she would force the children to call her before she forced them to perform sexual favors on her 80-year-old body, was taken from the complex in a bloody battle police are referring to as "Flapjack Friday". She tore the jugular vein of a police officer who was trying to contain her and sent an entire SWAT team to the ER with third degree burns after pouring blistering hot syrup on them as they attempted to enter.
Further details were revealed in the ensuing investigation. Jemima's trademark red bandana is actually used to mop up the blood that drips from her mouth after feasting on infant kidneys, one of her favorite snacks. She reportedly kept a bowl of them on her desk at all times. Files were found connecting Jemima's evil complex to some of her other products. Police have made no official statement, but anonymous sources say that the pancake mix consists of ground bones and dried child semen and that the cornbread mix is made of corn that was grown in overly dry conditions.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Not "Auntie!" Is nothing sacred?!
ReplyDelete