I recently saw a commercial for a Burger King sandwich called the "Angry Whopper". It shows a farmer "torturing" a young onion (using whips, electrocution, etc). This "angry onion" is then put into the aforementioned burger. A customer, upon eating the burger, actually yelps in pain from the intensely spicy flavor of the product.

Despite the utter stupidity of this advertisement, it struck on a trend I have noticed throughout American cuisine: the love of foods so spicy that they cause intense physical pain. Thinking from a marketing perspective, I realized that this concept could translate into a whole set of other opportunities. I have created a burger of ultimate discomfort, which I plan on selling to either McDonald's or Wendy's as soon as possible.

I call it: The Ultimate Burger of Doom.

The Ultimate Burger of Doom's advertisement will begin by explaining the concept of "angry beef", the central component of the recipe. A farmer will be shown "torturing" a young cow (using whips, electrocution, etc), slaughtering it, and storing the meat for two weeks in a 120-degree environment. Upon eating the burger, a customer will actually yelp in surprise, then rush to the bathroom, where he/she will spew diarrhea for days with such forcefulness that they risk death. There will then be a scene where the customer lies on a hospital bed, arms and legs stuck full of IVs which make a vain attempt to rehydrate them. Their ass is still actively spewing matter, though at this point it is mostly rice-water. As they look back over their life, they reminisce over all the burgers they have eaten, and realize that The Ultimate Burger of Doom was indeed the best. At this point we will cut to quick clips of raging bulls, screams of "Can you take it?!?!", and other images that will incite our customers to feel emasculated if they don't sample our burger.

"The Ultimate Burger of Doom...your ass is grass. Or more accurately, a literal river of shit."