Part III

Clothing: Just because you’re a little broke doesn’t mean you can’t express yourself.

Gay Men: Don’t waste valuable money buying the newest, coolest gay wear. Either steal clothing from the homes of your one night stands or become a hipster. This way, you can get by wearing outdated styles ironically and can take advantage of Goodwill and other very cheap clothing options while still looking fabulous.

Lesbians: Don’t change. Wifebeaters are very cheap, and the Doc Martens you bought four years ago will last you at least another six. You already never wear a bra, so why start now?

Staying Fit: Keeping that hot body is definitely an important part of getting sweet lovin’, but gym memberships are pretty expensive. All you really need is a little bit of creativity.

Gay Men: Go to a conservative neighborhood near you in your most flamboyant clothing. Spend thirty minutes to an hour running from the people who chase you while hurling insults and bottles at you. This is a great cardiovascular workout, no gym membership required!

Lesbians: Your construction job probably already takes care of this. Way to think ahead.

And if all else fails, just stay in Binghamton. After you’ve hooked up with the other four gay people in your relative age range, you have virtually no chance of meeting new partners anyway. Problem solved!

Part II

Gay Men: Find your local cruising spot (if you don’t know where it is already). Instead of going there for free sex with anonymous lechers, prostitute yourself. If they’re as broke as you are, you might still be able to get some extra condoms, cigarettes, or a free Dollar Menu cheeseburger. I’m neglecting to include further dating ideas for gay men as everyone knows that they never engage in serious relationships, choosing only to fuck each other through holes in the bathroom stalls of train stations.

Lesbians: Go to the pet store with your lover and look at cute cats. You can then spend several hours talking about your cats. If you have no home to have sex in, that’s alright. Lesbian bed death will soon set in (if it hasn’t already). If one of you has a place, move in together by the second date…no need putting it off until the third and wasting valuable rent money.


Sexual Protection: If those dates go well, you might just need some protection, which we all know can be kind of pricey. Here are some more good ways to save your scarce dollars.

Men: Reuse the condoms that you’ve had your own dick in. While the men you fuck may get each other’s diseases, you’ll be safe. It’s a dog-eat-dog world.

Lesbians: Continue using nothing. Remember that lesbians are magically safe from all sexually transmitted infections.

How to Be Gay on a Budget: Part 1

Everyone knows that the recent economic slump has made things pretty difficult. Just because the strain on your wallet may have put a damper on your living situation, wardrobe, or opportunities to find food, however, doesn’t mean it needs to put a damper on your romantic life. Here are some fun tips about how to be gay on a budget.

Cheap Dates: Forget about dinner or the movies. Here are some much more affordable options.

Gay Men: Find your local cruising spot (if you don’t know where it is already). Instead of going there for free sex with anonymous lechers, prostitute yourself. If they’re as broke as you are, you might still be able to get some extra condoms, cigarettes, or a free Dollar Menu cheeseburger. I’m neglecting to include further dating ideas for gay men as everyone knows that they never engage in serious relationships, choosing only to fuck each other through holes in the bathroom stalls of train stations.

Lesbians: Go to the pet store with your lover and look at cute cats. You can then spend several hours talking about your cats. If you have no home to have sex in, that’s alright. Lesbian bed death will soon set in (if it hasn’t already). If one of you has a place, move in together by the second date…no need putting it off until the third and wasting valuable rent money.

The stand-up competition is over now. Can the pressure be off? Can the pressure finally end? STOP READING THIS! *pulls out hair*

Everyday Activities Made Warmer with the Snuggie

readin' on the couch
surfin' the web
takin' a massive dump
losin' all your friends

It's weird how the longer you've gone without romantic contact, the more your expectations lower, and that this concept even relates to one's dreams. I used to have sex dreams about former lovers or people I was interested in. Then they lowered to "being on a date" dreams, then "having a flirtatious conversation with someone" dreams. I'm now having "ogling someone on the bus and they don't even notice me" dreams.

One time I dreamt about a huge Christmas ham, but when I went to eat it it was Anna Nicole Smith. Sorry, that joke was five years old.

If my mouth was where my asshole is now, I'd probably be a better whistler.

Helpful Hint

A tip to anyone studying abroad: if you want to buy drugs in a foreign country, you'll need to learn more vocabulary than just the word "drugs".

It's pretty weird that I think of most of my jokes while I'm in bed. Especially since said jokes revolve around rape, shit-coated penises, and lollipops. Oh wait, scratch lollipops, that's redundant...I already said shit-coated penises.

Jokes That Were Once Too Soon

AD 81: Mount Vesuvius

1670: Black Plague

1854: potato famine

1867: Civil War

11:00 am, March 11th, 2003: the time I farted loudly in the cafeteria

Rewrite of the new Beyonce single:

If I were a boy...I'd have a penis.

Also, ACDC's "You Shook Me All Night Long" would be much better if it was literal and written by an abused infant.

This is a Really Good Joke

You know what grinds my gears? When I'm shifting with the clutch and I grind the gears.

Ouch.

The Surprisingly Fun World of Auto Repair

I just went to get an estimate after some drunk person drove into my car this past Friday night. I assume that they were a drunk person because it occurred very late at night and because I live two doors down from Kennedy Fried Chicken. I can picture the idiot scraping the side of my car, drumstick in hand, blunt in mouth. Perhaps, in kindness, they blew a puff of smoke over my damaged bumper and side mirror in an attempt to heal my car with the magical herb that has granted them so much relaxation throughout their meaningless and most likely brief life.

Anyway, the body shop looked at the slight scuffing along my drier's side bumper and delivered me an estimate of $760.00. The write-up counted about 13 hours of labor (not to mention the exorbitant pricing on supplies), but I'm more convinced that it will really go something like this:

re-paint and re-finish bumper: 1- 2 hours
celebrate with a tailgate party/ garage bonfire: 9 hours
party culminates in gigantic circle jerk, which results in semen damage to my driver's side bumper: 1 hour
re-paint and re-finish bumper: 1- 2 hours

Total labor: 13 hours

I am powerless. I only wish I could have some pictures of the circle jerk, which I then might be able to sell to recoup some of my expenses.

Working on a New List...any suggestions?

Ok, it's going to be called "Times I Have Truly Been Loved by Another Person".


I haven't come up with anything yet.

Inspired by Weird Al

I was recently in a deli and when I ordered my sandwich, the owner asked me, "Rye or the kaiser?" I picked the kaiser. Now I live in an autocratic German government.

"Come on Eileen", sang Dexy's Midnight Runners.

"Please stop", cried Eileen, semen dripping from her nipples.

earigation - the attempt to remove semen from the ear using forming tools

jittermug - a very ugly person with a facial tic

olivegarchy- a government which consists of a few olives ruling over many other olives

Thought I Had While in a Rape Agression Defense Class

Mounting your overweight acquaintance and holding her arms above her head is a pretty odd requirement for a gym credit.