I <3 Jim

I love Jim Purdue. With his flabby little lips and beak-like nose, he is the chicken man of my dreams. Jim, you can totally Pur-do me any day.

I've been ruminating recently over the fact that the human race has become gradually weaker since its inception. Humans were once able to eat raw meat, combat bears with only a stone axe and some moxie, and bear dozens of babies without emanating a single grimace of pain (I believe it was dozens, I'm not sure on the statistics here). Now, we are lucky if the average American can manage to waddle from the driver's seat of their SUV over to the ordering counter at Starbucks. Fortunately, the latter concern is no longer a problem as Starbucks has introduced drive-thru windows, but the point still stands. Humans are becoming an ever weaker race, driven by our sloth and technologies into a form more blob-like than the average garden slug.

It is time for us as a nation to take steps toward reversing this process. We need to turn our populace into the sleek, fighting, raw-meat-eating machines they once were. Not for the sake of my own peace of mind, not even for the sake of our country- nay, for the sake of the world.

I have prepared a list of a few simple changes which could, if not completely change our society within two days after its inception (and this is a possibility), start us on the path toward reclaiming our true strength.

1) Fill all public pools with quicksand. Make attendance mandatory.
This tactic has the clear advantage of resulting in the deaths of the weak. Medical care must be withheld. After the satisfying sight of atrophied limbs flailing to escape the muck and McDonald's-glazed eyes silently crying in pain as they sink to their murky death, we will be left with only the strongest. Disabled people will not be excluded from this rule.

2) Abolish traffic lights.
This will hone the reflexes humans once used running from sabertooth tigers and the like. Children with slow-reflexed parents are not innocent casualties, as it is more likely than not that their parents' genetic weakness would have been passed along. Better safe than sorry.

3) Round up all Jews, homosexuals, disabled people, gypsies, political dissenters, etc. and put them into concentration camps. This should fix whatever the swimming pools and traffic lights miss.

I wish us good luck in creating our new, perfect society.

First Blog Entry!!!! lol omg <3<3<3!!!!

So here she is, the maiden voyage, the first grand foray on the long cruise of Bloggery. I caution all passengers: men, hold your hats, and fair damsels, hold your girdles, for the ride can get windy. The waves are sometimes choppy; our ship may hit rocks. But when we arise to a warm ocean sun and feel the cool dew that still clings to the rigging, we will cast aside this ocean metaphor like a tuna net and you will suction yourselves to my every word like barnacles. You will feel the joy that can only come from absorbing the humor and language of a modern genius. You will paddle your boats on the shore of my reason and have a glimpse of what lies over the edge, a view into the mind of a prophet.

So prepare yourselves for a reckoning, for a lesson, for an enlightenment. Here, my friends, is my first joke:

Penis.