The Spring Fling should involve less bands and games and more monkeys and poo.

On Hos

I've noticed that somehow slapping hos is ok, but only if they're your hos.

You can slap your friends, you can slap your hos, but you can't slap your friend's hos?

I just saw a midget who resembled Ron Jeremy, and it was the first time in my life I've ever cursed myself for not becoming a filmmaker.

The best way to bludgeon a duck is with another duck.

Things I've Learned in College

I now know the perfect distance to hold away a distraught crack addict so that she neither feels I am rejecting her nor tries to hug me.

VeggieTales Horror Movie

Silence of the Yams

On Smoking

Smoking may not be as cool as it was in the 90s, but it's still cool enough that those people in the Truth commercials look like fucking douchebags.