The Spring Fling should involve less bands and games and more monkeys and poo.

On Hos

I've noticed that somehow slapping hos is ok, but only if they're your hos.

You can slap your friends, you can slap your hos, but you can't slap your friend's hos?

I just saw a midget who resembled Ron Jeremy, and it was the first time in my life I've ever cursed myself for not becoming a filmmaker.

The best way to bludgeon a duck is with another duck.

Things I've Learned in College

I now know the perfect distance to hold away a distraught crack addict so that she neither feels I am rejecting her nor tries to hug me.

VeggieTales Horror Movie

Silence of the Yams

On Smoking

Smoking may not be as cool as it was in the 90s, but it's still cool enough that those people in the Truth commercials look like fucking douchebags.

Cover I'd Like To See

Simon and Garfunkel as covered by Dwayne Johnson:

"I Am The Rock"

Possible Titles for Indian Porn Flicks

Backdoors of Bombay
Taj Mah-Balls

They should make a version of Trivial Pursuit for hipsters where you don't know any of the answers, because they're really underground and no one has heard of them yet.

If anyone's got a mind to hear something stupid, listen to "Turn the Heat Up!" by Shemekia Copeland. It's a rockin' good time.

Alternate Names

There's an odd phenomenon in downtown Binghamton...a series of apartment buildings that resemble 19th-century slums and yet hold names like "The Cherokee" or "The Grand Dupree", embossed in stained glass, above their entryways. This smacks of dishonesty, but I see what they're going for: you know, creating an air of luxury and all that. Oddly enough, Americans are willing to associate anything with luxury as long as it has a European name. So here's the solution: name the buildings honestly, only in other languages.

Here are some helpful examples:

L'Hotel de Merde
Sheissehaus
Hall of Shit (in a British accent)

Blog Post

Blog post. Blog post. I figure I get at least one of these.

Limerick

On a honeymoon near North Hampstead,
a man and wife lay in their bed.
The girth of his dick
was too wide for her width,
so he said, "I'll just stick in the head."

I've realized that day-time tv is targeted toward three main audiences: housewives, unemployed people, and college students. These groups would seem to be disparate, but there are commonalities between them.

Similarities Between Housewives, Unemployed People, and College Students

They all spend their days with nothing to do (obvious).

They all enjoy watching The Price Is Right.

They all drink too much, surreptitiously or no.

They all need to get a fucking job.

One liners can be ok when it comes to comedy, but are never enough when it comes to a coke binge.

So, what's the deal with Seinfeld? Like, his stand-up really sucks.

I've noticed this trend in general in many fields of entertainment. If a character on a tv show, movie, play, etc. has any sort of creative job, the creators of the show/movie/play feel the need to, at some point, display the "work" of the "artist" character. If the artist is a painter, their work will turn out to be a painting that looks like it was scrawled onto a canvas by a drunk two-year-old and/or an overly conceptual piece that clearly has no more significant meaning than the scrawls of a drunken two-year-old. If the artist is a musician, their music will sound like the wails of a drunken two-year-old. If the artist is a writer, their poem or story will display the emotional depth of a drunken two-year-old. This is a travesty. TV shows, movies, plays, etc. are supposed to be created by, well, creative people. Not drunken two-year-olds. Either the people who are actually responsible for our entertainment are a bunch of sad sacks who are unwilling to have anything valid that they may create be part of something larger rather than the complete embodiment of their "vision", or I'm on the verge of finding a job for my accidentally-conceived two ear-old son. I mean, really...does he expect me to do everything? Little shit won't even change his fucking diapers. Shit is filling my living room.

Movie Blurb for Slumdog Millionaire

I didn't see it, but it's supposed to be really good and cultural. I mean, there are Indian people in it. And it won the Oscar.

Movie Blurb for Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (written by someone who didn't watch the movie)

Mr Smith, played by a really popular old actor (watch to find out!), has some business in our nation's capital. So he goes to Washington to get the job done! This classic film is sure to entertain.

Part III

Clothing: Just because you’re a little broke doesn’t mean you can’t express yourself.

Gay Men: Don’t waste valuable money buying the newest, coolest gay wear. Either steal clothing from the homes of your one night stands or become a hipster. This way, you can get by wearing outdated styles ironically and can take advantage of Goodwill and other very cheap clothing options while still looking fabulous.

Lesbians: Don’t change. Wifebeaters are very cheap, and the Doc Martens you bought four years ago will last you at least another six. You already never wear a bra, so why start now?

Staying Fit: Keeping that hot body is definitely an important part of getting sweet lovin’, but gym memberships are pretty expensive. All you really need is a little bit of creativity.

Gay Men: Go to a conservative neighborhood near you in your most flamboyant clothing. Spend thirty minutes to an hour running from the people who chase you while hurling insults and bottles at you. This is a great cardiovascular workout, no gym membership required!

Lesbians: Your construction job probably already takes care of this. Way to think ahead.

And if all else fails, just stay in Binghamton. After you’ve hooked up with the other four gay people in your relative age range, you have virtually no chance of meeting new partners anyway. Problem solved!