It's weird how the longer you've gone without romantic contact, the more your expectations lower, and that this concept even relates to one's dreams. I used to have sex dreams about former lovers or people I was interested in. Then they lowered to "being on a date" dreams, then "having a flirtatious conversation with someone" dreams. I'm now having "ogling someone on the bus and they don't even notice me" dreams.

One time I dreamt about a huge Christmas ham, but when I went to eat it it was Anna Nicole Smith. Sorry, that joke was five years old.

If my mouth was where my asshole is now, I'd probably be a better whistler.

Helpful Hint

A tip to anyone studying abroad: if you want to buy drugs in a foreign country, you'll need to learn more vocabulary than just the word "drugs".

It's pretty weird that I think of most of my jokes while I'm in bed. Especially since said jokes revolve around rape, shit-coated penises, and lollipops. Oh wait, scratch lollipops, that's redundant...I already said shit-coated penises.

Jokes That Were Once Too Soon

AD 81: Mount Vesuvius

1670: Black Plague

1854: potato famine

1867: Civil War

11:00 am, March 11th, 2003: the time I farted loudly in the cafeteria

Rewrite of the new Beyonce single:

If I were a boy...I'd have a penis.

Also, ACDC's "You Shook Me All Night Long" would be much better if it was literal and written by an abused infant.